WHAT BRANDON WROTE: Mission Description & Mission Completion Copy, Bounty Board Copy, On-Air Promo
Tofu Hunter is a mobile game that claims to expose the truth about the vegetarian/vegan food industry. Players take the role of the titular game hunter and encounter this hostile, disapproving copy as they accept region-specific missions in a set order. Upon completing each challenge, the player is then "congratulated" by an even more disgusted line of copy.
MISSION COPY SAMPLES
Misty Woods Missions
Mission : Hone your merciless killing skills by earning a score of 250 or greater.
Complete : Perfect. Now there's a number attached to your near-total indecency.
Mission : If you have trouble shooting these 8 targets, just pretend they have families.
Complete : See? That was easy. All you had to do was abandon your moral compass.
Mission : Are you morally bankrupt enough to kill 7 harmless, unsuspecting Tofu Bucks?
Complete : The vegan-industrial complex has clearly trained you well.
Mission : Kill 30 stampeding Golden Tofu. Go on, tough guy. We dare you.
Complete : Oh no, you actually did it. We didn't think you would do it, oh no, oh no...
Mission : Kill 5 Bucks, 4 Oryxes and 4 Disguised Tofu.
Complete : A super-lucky 13 kills! What a wonderful omen for all of us.
Mission : Kill 30 Flocking Seitan Birds. 30 seems like a reasonable number for murder.
Complete : THERE IS NO REASONABLE NUMBER FOR MURDER, YOU BEAST.
Mission : See if you can tag 5 Beaver Bullseyes at the shooting range. Make us proud.
Complete : Your senseless murders have not inspired pride. It was a trick, you fool.
Mission : Kill 10 Stampeding Tofu Oryx. Kill them, lest they become a soft, squishy menace.
Complete : Thank goodness you stopped them. We were almost cuddled against.
Mission : Shouldn't you be shooting? Bag 2 Disguised Tofu, 4 Tofu Dogs and 4 Seitan Birds.
Complete : There, doesn't that feel better? Well, it shouldn't. Something is wrong with you.
Snow Falls Missions
Mission : Try to score at least 2,500 points in the evening.
Complete : The sun has set on both the landscape and your morality.
Mission : Kill 8 Tofu Buffalo. Buffaloes? Buffalos. Whatever the plural of "Buffalo" is.
Complete : Turns out all three are correct. Who knew? Anyway, you're horrible.
Mission : Don't stop now; shoot 2 Beaver Bullseyes and 2 Granny Bullseyes.
Complete : It's staggering how readily you shot a thing labeled "Granny" to death.
Mission : Kill 4 Disguised Tofu and 4 Tofu Leopards. Can't abide an uneven number!
Complete : At least your murderous rampage has a perverse symmetry to it.
Mission : Let's see if you can score at least 8,000 points.
Complete : Great! Now let's learn the names of each critter you just killed.
Mission : Kill 6 Tofu Buffalo. Slow, affectionate and docile: the most dangerous game!
Complete : You're pretty sick, you know that?
Mission : Blast 12 Bullseyes at the shooting range. Careful; this prey is wily.
Complete : Ah, well done! We weren't sure you could outsmart paper and springboard.
Mission : Kill 25 Seitan birds. Pluck them from the sky with a kiss from your firearm.
Complete : We want to be snarky but man, those things are actually really tricky to hit.
Mission : Score at least 750 points at the shooting range. Does it matter why?
Complete : Come on, it always matters why. Have some self respect.
Mission : Kill 6 Buffalo Tofus and 8 Seitan Birds.
Complete : Just a friendly reminder, here: you do not have to keep playing this.
Outer Jungle Missions
Mission : Kill 4 Tofu Four-Horned Goats and 2 Tofu Zebras. Destroy all that is beautiful.
Complete : Sense that vacuum inside your heart? Normally, a soul goes there.
Mission : Shoot 35 Flocking Seitan Birds. All of them deserve it, probably.
Complete : Distressing news: those Seitan Birds may not have actually deserved it.
Mission : Want to see a magic trick? First, kill 25 flocking Seitan Birds.
Complete : The magic trick is that they are all dead. Ta daaa!
Mission : Kill 20 Bean Burgers. Prove you're a big man.
Complete : Sorry, that was sexist. You could be a vile, murderous woman for all we know.
Mission : Score at least 25,000 points through your cool, cool acts of murder.
Complete : Way to go, Fonzarelli. You're the coolest psycho out there.
Mission : There are 8 Tofu Boars about to die out there. They just don't know it yet.
Complete : Wow, hey, look at that. The prophecy came true.
Mission : Tag 18 Bullseyes at the shooting range.
Complete : If you have to pretend to shoot something, this is… probably better.
Mission : Kill 8 Tofu Four-Horned Goats and 4 Seitan Birds. See where that gets you.
Complete : This is where it got you: still playing a mobile game, probably in a bathroom.
Mission : See if you can down 5 Tofu Boars, 5 Tofu Zebra and 5 Seitan Birds.
Complete : Well, you certainly did what we asked of you. Good job?
Mission : Kill 6 Tofu Boars and 6 Egg Plants. You must do this for reasons that remain unclear.
Complete : As it turns out, the reason was: you wanted to do it.
Mission : Score at least 65,000 points. Big number, but you're a big nutjob. You'll do fine.
Complete : Wow. Those maniacs at Alcott House would have been big fans of yours.
Ye Olde Ruins Missions
Mission : The Carrots here are wild and carefree. They haven't met you yet. Kill 15 of them.
Complete : So impressive, the way you shot those carrots in the face.
Mission : Shoot 15 Buck Bullseyes. That's it, plain and simple. Even you can understand.
Complete : You did it! You accomplished a simple task!
Mission : See these majestic, noble Tofu Rhinos? Take down 8 of them.
Complete : Can't abide majesty. Not in this game, apparently.
Mission : Score at least 15,000 points. Protip: keep shooting. Like, a lot.
Complete : See? That was a pretty helpful protip, eh?
Mission : Gun down 5 Tofu Rhinos and 20 Tofu Boars. Vicious beats, we're sure.
Complete : These will look great in your curd-stained trophy room.
Mission : Whatever you do, do not kill exactly 12 Bean Burgers and 12 Seitan Birds.
Complete : Darn. You saw right through that one, huh? Worth a shot.
Mission : What's up, doc? Kill 15 Carrots to find out!
Complete : The thing that's "up" is that you are a "doctor" of murder. There is no joke.
Mission : Score at least 125,000 points. Shouldn't be a problem for you, obviously.
Complete : Way to go. You really gave those innocent little angels what-for.
Mission : Kill 18 Tofu Tigers. Just do it. Do it!
Complete : Nice to know you cave so readily to peer pressure from a text box.
Mission : Tag 20 Bullseyes at the range. You'll just have to imagine the airborne viscera.
Complete : Did you imagine it? The white, spongy viscera? We're betting you did.
Mission : Kill 18 Tigers, 18 Rhino and 4 Zebra. Just kill everything. Kill indiscriminately.
Complete : Congratulations; you stayed focused through the red mist.
Mission : Got it in you to Kill 5 Tofu Tigers, 5 Tofu Rhino, and 6 Seitans? Of course you do.
Complete : Looks like you're deficient in both vitamin B12 and common decency.
Mission : Let's pretend you can kill numbers. Like... at least 850 points. Kill that number.
Complete : We knew you could do it. And that is why we are keeping our distance.