[This article was originally published October 2011 on adultswim.com]
The following is a verified chronology of the events behind the holiday known as “Columbus Day”, compiled by Adult Swim Historitician and notorious maniac Sal Crumbsbley.
Leif Ericson leads a band of Norse explorers and voyagers to the new world, landing in North America. When asked if they should perhaps mark or record this discovery for posterity, Ericson responds that claiming discovery of a land that is clearly already populated would be “a pretty dick move.”
Christopher Columbus (“Cristoforo Colombo” in Italian, “Christóbal Colón” in Spanish, and “Coco Short Bus” to his closest friends) is born in the Republic of Genoa. His early years are spent pilfering the playthings of neighboring children and licking candies as a means of claiming them for himself.
Columbus becomes obsessed with shortening the trade route between Western Europe and Eastern Asia. Embracing the belief that the world is round, he proposes a faster voyage westward across what he dubs the “Ocean Sea” due to a startling lack of creativity.
Columbus takes his proposal to the King of Portugal, offering him first right of refusal. He strongly insists that Portugal shall only be allowed to fund his unorthodox voyage if he is officially named Great Admiral of the Ocean, adding that it is definitely a real title despite having just made it up. King John II denies the request, later inquiring within his closest circles whether any among them could “believe the balls on that guy.”
With an official endorsement and generous funding from King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain, Columbus sets sail with a small fleet and travels west, bound for Eastern Asia. His crew is rather surprised when they encounter an unfamiliar territory that is populated by generations upon generations of native inhabitants.
Ignoring every aspect of the surrounding environment and its indigenous people, Columbus furiously insists that they have landed in Asia. He bestows upon the native inhabitants the title of “Indians” and upon himself the titles of Grand Super Admiral, Most Valuable Player, and Master of Magnetism.
Later, while surveying his newly discovered territory, Columbus discovers a large rock with the message “Leif Ericson Was Here” etched into the side. He promptly orders that it be hurled into the ocean.
Columbus arrives in North America for the second time to begin proper colonization. After asking if there’s anything they can help with, the native inhabitants are told to simply “sit tight.”
Columbus dies on May 20, insisting to the very end that his famous voyage had taken him to the eastern shores of Asia. None among his family have the heart to correct him, instead choosing to comfort him in his final hours with compliments and regular bouts of enthusiastic applause. His last recorded words: “I am just so, so great.”
President Benjamin Harrison calls upon the American people to celebrate the 400th anniversary of Columbus’s discovery. The American people initially respond with surprise, having no recollection of any President named Benjamin Harrison, before quickly accepting the open invitation to stay home and drink.
Columbus Day is made an official state holiday in Colorado, a landlocked state with no direct attachment to any of the voyages or atrocities of the man in question. “It’s just an ironic thing,” admits one state official. “Columbus was a terrible man. We’re mainly doing it for a laugh. It’s not like it’ll actually catch on or anything. I mean, can you imagine?”
The city of Berkeley, California denies the continued celebration of Columbus Day and chooses to celebrate “Indigenous Peoples’ Day” instead. The cause is slow to catch on among other cities due to the lackluster name change and the invention of Facebook still being twelve years away.
Columbus Day is later barred entirely by Hawaii and South Dakota, states that hate the celebration of mass genocide just as much as waiting an extra day to cash checks.
==BONUS FUN FACT==
Saying “Columbus” three time in front of any mirror is widely rumored to summon his spirit from the realms beyond and invite a tortuous death. This is obviously not true; he will simply possess your body and claim it for King Ferdinand of Spain.